Speaking Silence
by loudmouthgeek
Summary: Brittany never really meant to stop talking and certainly not for so long. It just sort of happened. S3 and S4 so far, through the eyes of Brittany. Spoilers through Britney 2.0. Brittana, Bram friendship. Mentions of Finchel and Faberry


**A/N: I couldn't tell you why I wrote this. It all just sort of came pouring out of me over the course of two days. Hope you like it. The next chapter of Keeping the Creed is in the works. It's somewhere in the vicinity of halfway done.**

**Speaking Silence**

Looking back I think it started when Finn called me an idiot, because like where does he get off calling anyone anything like that? I stood up to him because someone needed to and like no one ever does because he's like the quarterback or whatever. He didn't like being stood up to at all, but I didn't like it more being the person to stand up to him. I don't like fighting with people, either with words or with fists. I usually try to stop people from fighting, but this time I stood up to Finn and it wasn't really a fight, it was just me telling him that I wouldn't let him treat me like that and then leaving. I don't know if there's like a word that means all of that, but whatever it might be, doing it still made my tummy feel all twisted up inside.

I really hate feeling like that. It takes all night of Santana singing me my favorite songs to make it go away. That night I decide that I'm gonna avoid fighting with anyone I don't have to.

The Troubletones are fun because Miss Corcoran is fifty million times better a coach than Mr. Shue. She's the boss and what she says goes. We work on getting songs ready for competition instead of just singing whatever and then throwing a set list together last minute. Santana and Mercedes pretty much share all the leads equally so there's no fighting. I sing a little bit, sometimes, but mostly the rest of us just dance, which is fine by me. Dancing makes me happy.

But then something happens between The Troubletones and New Directions and then there's fighting again. I don't know who started it between Finn and Santana. It could be either one of them really. Santana's kind of known for her vicious words, but Finn's also really mean sometimes. So y'know, they were like fighting or whatever and I asked Santana to be nice in a way that I totally knew would work. I let her go make peace on her own because I know that if anyone else is around she'll chicken out because she doesn't like looking weak or whatever. She's totally not weak, she's one of the strongest people I know, but she doesn't believe me when I tell her.

So like Rory said that he was there and they weren't really making nice at all and were fighting again, probably because Rory was there, and then Finn just like blurted it out in the middle of the hallway, and like I know that I almost, sorta outed us last year in the paper but I totally didn't mean to. It was just my weird brain not really thinking about what I was saying. Finn meant to. He knew what he was doing and did it anyway.

Like I wasn't there but Rory was and a lot of other people heard, which is like how it ended up on TV, so I know that besides outing Santana (and y'know, me) he said some really terrible things about Santana being a coward and me not loving her like she loves me, neither of which are true and wish I had told her more often so that she wouldn't have doubted and she could have just walked away from Finn and then people in the hall wouldn't have known for sure that what he was saying was true… the gay part, not the coward part.

That way mean ass Regina Salazar wouldn't have told The Pizza Man and he wouldn't have put it on TV. And I'm sorry, Finn can say everybody already knew for as long as he wants but it wasn't on TV until his big mouth started shouting in the hallway, so clearly it wasn't as well known as he wants everyone to believe it is.

Singing Adele is like the awesomest thing I've ever done with my clothes on, and really it's better than some of the things I've done with my clothes off. I can tell part way through that we've won the Mash-Off because we kick so much ass, and New Directions songs were kinda weird and lame, but their costumes were super cool and colorful and Puck gave me his fake mustache to keep which was rad.

When Santana jumps off the stage and slaps Finn in his mean face, it doesn't make my tummy scrunch up, it's actually really hot, but Santana's not in any kind of mood to do anything about it.

In fact, she's not really talking at all. I mean, okay, Santana doesn't really talk a lot, mostly I talk and she listens and smiles if we're alone, but this not talking is different than her regular not talking because she's also not listening when I try to tell her things are going to be okay. Maybe because she knows they're not. I don't know.

Santana tells us that we have to go back to New Directions for a week and I don't understand why. She says that the school has no violence policy and I know that's not possible because some hockey guys were throwing Rory into lockers just a couple of weeks ago, but she says we gotta go or she's gonna be suspended from Sectionals.

I really don't want to go because I hate conflict and I just know before we walk in that like Kurt and Blaine and Rachel and probably Quinn are all gonna be super mad at Finn for what he did, and it's not like they shouldn't be, cause I'm mad at him too, but I don't want to have to be around all that anger for an entire week. My tummy's gonna be really messed up.

Then we go into the choir room and not only is like no one upset at Finn and Finn's not apologizing to Santana… or for that matter, me, since he outed me too, but apparently Finn has taken over Glee Club completely and now he's writing on Mr. Shue's board. So apparently we're all supposed to forget that Finn did this and now everyone's going to sing songs to Santana to make her feel better, and when Santana says she doesn't want that they all just ignore her and do it anyway. Doesn't no mean no? I thought that it did.

Now instead of my belly being all screwy because I'm around a bunch of people who are all upset at each other, its upset because I'm the one mad at everybody. I want to say something to them about how they're all being jerks but I know it will just cause like a real argument with people yelling and Santana's already reading my mind and shaking her head. She doesn't want me to so I just don't say anything.

Kurt and Blaine sing "Perfect" by Pink which is kinda sweet I guess, but neither of them is badass enough to _really_ sing Pink and besides which neither of them actually mean the words that they're singing. They don't think Santana is perfect just like she is, not like I do anyway. Then Finn gets all up in Santana's face and sings "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and now _I_ want to slap him and my stomach twists even more.

Santana tells me that she just wants to keep her head down and get through this week and then kick their asses at Sectionals so she tells Finn what he wants to hear and hugs him. That alone makes me want to barf. Four days ago he outed us to the whole school, which got her outed to the whole State of Ohio and now she's being forced to pretend she's grateful for that just so Finn's self-centered ass can feel like the Big Damn Hero. For a minute I wish I was River Tam so that I could beat Finn bloody and senseless and not feel bad about it, but Santana just wants to get through this so I don't say anything. Just as well, if I did start talking, at this point, I'd probably yell at everyone for how much they suck. I don't want to even think about how bad my tummy would feel then.

It would probably feel like how it feels when San's abuela kicks her out when San tells her about being in love with me. She calls me right after and asks if I could come get her and drive her somewhere. I ask her where and she says anywhere. We wind up in club in Columbus. We dance and drink, San drinks a lot. Later we're making out in the bathroom and she shoves her hand up my skirt and I think that this might be the wrong time for this, but then I think maybe Santana just needs to feel in control of _something _so I let her be in control of me for a while. After I want to ask her how she is but it doesn't really seem like she's in a talking mood… even less than usual, that is.

I win Student Council President and right after that I realize that I can never go to any Student Council meetings because they argue about things I don't care about. They actually seem to _like_ arguing about things. Gross.

Before Sectionals Miss Corcoran and Santana invite New Directions to join The Troubletones if we win and Finn flips out and says we're being rude and that irritates me because it was like the total opposite of being rude and Finn's just being a poophead. I want to say something again, but we've got better things to do.

We lose but only because Tina and Mike kicked ass on "ABC" which is only like the best song in the world, plus Sam was back and Santana said that his sweet dance moves swayed the judges. She's probably not wrong, Sammy's pretty awesome.

My family and hers have Christmas dinner together. Santana's still not talking much and I don't want to push her so I just sit and hold her hand and don't talk either. Our parents do plenty of talking for both of us.

Mr. Schuester asks Miss Pillsbury to marry him and she says yes. I think about reminding him that she gets engaged or married every year about this time and what makes him think this is gonna work out any better for him than it did for her last two husbands, but I don't. I've kinda gotten use to not talking by now.

Quinn announces that she's going to Yale and I'm so completely proud of her. For a minute I feel bad about not being a better friend to her lately. She was going through some really serious stuff this year and we weren't really there for her, Santana and me. I mean we were kinda going through our own stuff at the same time, but you're still supposed to make time for your friends. I want to tell her all of this, but I kinda just give her a big tight hug instead. I think she likes that just as well anyway.

Santana gets kinda upset with me about being in Mr. Shue's performance for Spanish Week, but I got to pretend to be a bull. How many times does that happen in one lifetime? And besides if I'd said no it's not like he would have pulled his head out of his butt and realized how sucky a Spanish teacher he is. I would have explained all this to her, but… well, you know.

Valentine's week is kind of a cluster of different emotions. I work hard on Santana's gift and she totally loves, but then we get in trouble for having lady kisses in the hallway. Santana yells at Principal Figgins and it doesn't make me feel as yucky as it normally does when people fight, maybe it's because she's fighting _for me._ When she's done I feel like I should do what I usually do after Santana yells at someone and say something nice just so they don't feel like complete garbage but this time I really don't wanna. He should feel bad for ruining our happy moment.

Then we find out that Rory is getting deported at the end of the year and that's sad because I know he really wanted to stay and I like having him around. But then the party at The Sugar Shack is so incredibly awesome. Sugar should totally be a party planner when she grows up. We eat and dance. Quinn sings us a really pretty song that Santana had dedicated to me. It was totally one of those perfect nights.

Then the whole thing had to be ruined. Right before Regionals Dave Karofsky got outed at his school and tried to kill himself which was really sad that he tried and good that he lived but that's not what ruined my good mood. It was the attitude about it in Glee Club, like it was a national tragedy which I mean I don't think we should have been jumping for joy that he tried to kill himself, but where was the sympathy for Santana… and damn it where was the sympathy for _me_? At the time I didn't really think it was my place to complain about no one taking into consideration that I got outed too because I was mostly just worried about Santana and how her family was going to react. But now? Where were my songs? Why wasn't anyone lining up to tell me that they think I'm awesome and how they accept and love me just the way I am?

Why is the guy who outed Dave some horrible asshole (which he is) but the guy who outed Santana and me our golden boy?

We sit in a circle and discuss our dreams for the future and I just look at these people and I realize I can't stand most of them, Finn the jerk and Rachel the egomaniac and their silly engagement that's never gonna work out, Saint Kurt the self-righteous and Blaine, who I sometimes forget isn't really named Bland, Mercedes and Sam I love individually but I really can't deal with their relationship drama and that's kind of all there is out of them anymore. Artie seems like he can't see past the fact that we use to date to try to be my friend, and he seems to have gotten Mike and Tina in our break-up. And Mr. Schuester… none of these people know anything about me, so why should I give them access to my private thoughts? Why should I share important parts of me with people who won't treat those parts as important?

When Quinn says she's looking forward to graduating from Yale at the top of her class I know that's important to her and when she does it, and I know she will, then I'm gonna be so excited for her and proud of her. When Mike says he's looking forward to dancing at Carnegie Hall someday, I know that's important to him and I'm gonna be there to watch. But if I told them that I want to be a veterinarian they'd all just have that look that say "Okay, Brittany, that's nice." Or if I told them I want to race Motocross professionally, they'd all just laugh.

The truth is I don't know for sure what I want to do with my life, but the thing I'm most looking forward to is getting out of this place where everyone thinks I'm stupid and thinks my dreams aren't important. I guess that makes me cynical and I know I didn't use to think that. I use to think of everyone in this group as family, but somewhere in the last year I've come to realize that not everyone in the group thinks that and that a lot of us don't matter to them. I think that's why I haven't told anyone how much I'm struggling in school this year.

Quinn and Rachel get into a fight at the bridal shop and Quinn's uninvited to the wedding, which is just as well for her I think because who wants to watch the girl you're in love with marry someone else. I know she thinks she's being a good friend but she's really just torturing herself. I wanna say something to her and I would but she doesn't seem to realize that she's in love with Rachel or just won't admit it or something and I can't help her fix a problem she won't admit that she has.

We're at the wedding and Rachel's making everyone wait on Quinn which confuses me because I was there for the fight in the bridal shop. When Santana tells her that Quinn's not coming, Rachel makes the worst face, like she's completely freaking out. I look at Santana and I can tell, yeah, she caught it too. Rachel's weird obsession with Quinn suddenly makes a lot more sense now. Santana immediately puts on her scheming face.

But then we find out about the accident and then I don't remember much for a while after that. I just remember crying a lot and Santana holding me.

School's not getting any better for me. Actually, it's getting worse and I know I should say something but I really don't even know who to say it to. My parents are hippies and don't care about school. No one at the school really cares. I don't want to tell Santana because she's always telling me how smart she thinks I am and when she says it I believe her and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to hand her proof that she's wrong about me, because then what else will she start to second guess about me?

Mr. Shue gets it in his head that everybody has to have a plan for their future before they finish high school, because we all have to be Rachel Berry now, apparently and he randomly decides that Finn, Santana, and Mercedes need to figure it out by the end of the week. He has no idea what I want out of life and he doesn't know that I'm probably not going to graduate so on the one hand, he shows that he doesn't care about me but on the other hand I can put off telling anyone about my grades a while longer.

Then Santana gets it in her head that she wants to be famous at any cost and I have to remind her that there's such a thing as bad kinds of famous. I take a video of Lord Tubbington cleaning the house and chop in some footage of us making out and call it a sex tape, knowing that in a million years she'll never actually watch it. Then I get Artie and Homeless Brett to play along. I also get Coach to pull some strings to see if she can get Santana set up for colleges. Louisville, Kentucky probably isn't the ideal place for an out lesbian Latina but you work with what you've got when you're on short notice. Santana is so grateful that I can't walk right the next day.

Back before Quinn came back from the accident Santana and I decided that we were gonna scheme to get Rachel and Quinn to figure out that they're totally gay for each other, I start by calling Joe a girl in front of Quinn as often as possible. So that way she thinks I already think she's dating a girl and that I accept that about her. Santana is less subtle and calls Rachel gay in front of the whole Glee Club. We obviously have differing ideas about strategy.

Santana makes a _really_ bad joke about Coach Bieste getting beat up by her husband which later turns out to be the truth, and okay, yeah, you shouldn't joke about domestic violence but Santana only said it because she never though Coach Bieste would be the type of woman to put up with getting beat up. Then me, Santana, Sugar, Mercedes, and Tina get to sit through lectures about not letting men beat us up. I want to ask why me and Santana have to be there since we're dating each other and they know that. I want to ask why the boys aren't getting a lecture about not beating up their girlfriends. I want to rage about misogyny and victim-blaming and all that stuff Quinn and Rachel would say if they were here but… I don't know, I guess once you stop talking about the things on your mind it's a lot easier to keep not talking about them than to explain why you stopped in the first place.

I guess that's why I still don't say anything about my grades when the guys all rally around Puck to help him graduate. Unlike him, I already failed last semester and even if I got a perfect score on everything I doubt I'd bring up enough of my grades to pass this semester either, so nothing I do now will let me graduate this year.

So Principal Figgins finally figures out that I haven't been going to Student Council meetings and tells me that I am personally responsible for making Prom memorable. He apparently still hasn't figured out that I'm failing my senior year… or once again, he doesn't care.

I never really thought it was going to be all that hard to make Prom rock until I met the Prom Committee. Castles in the Clouds is the lamest, most cliché theme I've ever heard. Togas would have been more interesting. So I do my thing, whip up some magic, and put together the awesomest Prom that ever was. Santana kills "Love You Like a Love Song" and then we overhear Rachel making this big speech to Quinn and I'm so sure that one of them is about to profess their love for the other that I'm about to cry. I would for sure be crowned Queer Fairy Godmother of the Year if the magic of Dinosaur Prom brought those two together. I mean, who starts a speech with "Do you not understand what you mean to me?" that doesn't end in "I love you"?

Apparently, Rachel Berry is who.

The only reason Santana's scream of frustration doesn't startle them is because I managed to clap my hand over her mouth in time. If I'd thought about it, I'd have kept her quiet in a way more fun way, but oh well. Santana tells them to stop making out as she calls Quinn in to count the ballots for Prom King and Queen.

I know before they go in to count that I didn't win. Mike, Tina, Artie, and Santana voted for me. Quinn said she would have but she wouldn't feel right not voting for Finn since he was her partner. I told her I understand and I do. I wasn't expecting to win. I mean it would have been super cool if I did but this is Lima and rigid gender roles must be enforced at all time. Prom Kings have to be boys and Prom Queens have to be girls unless you're trying to humiliate someone.

I kinda hope Rick "The Stick" wins because that guy may be a douche but at least he doesn't pretend to be your friend and then call you an idiot when you do something he doesn't like and he doesn't out you in the hallway and then pretend he didn't.

Finn wins and Quinn wins Queen but pretends that Rachel does and then stands up while she's singing with Santana. Once again I'm expecting someone to confess love, but no one does so I do it to Santana, not that that's news or anything.

Tina tells me about this cool dream that she had where we all Freaky Friday-ed where Mercedes and Artie were me and Santana and me and Santana were Mercedes and Artie and I laugh about the thought of Santana as Artie for hours, then I tell Santana about the dream and start laughing again. Santana doesn't seem to see how that's funny but it's because I know that deep down that she's just as big a dork as Artie, she just hides it better.

Finally the last week of school people find out that I'm not graduating. After months of not talking about it to anyone, I finally tell Santana's mom. Why her I have no idea, why then I couldn't tell you.

Sure as I knew she would, Santana says that if I'm not graduating then maybe she should stay here too. I don't want her to do that. I don't want to be alone, I don't want to have to do our relationship over a phone of the internet, but I want something better for her than hanging around here waiting on me. Santana hates Lima so much. She hated it before she figured out she's gay. She hates it even more now. It's incredibly sweet that she doesn't want to be away from me but I don't want her to hold herself back for me. The twistiness in my tummy would a bajillion times worse than anytime I ever got mad at someone if she did that, because I'd be mad at myself for weighing her down and I'd be mad at her for staying and then I'd be made at myself more for being mad at her and for not being smart enough to graduate when I was supposed to. I know she'd never think of me like that but I don't want to be an anchor holding her back from whatever amazing thing she's going to go do.

When Mr. Shue finds out about me failing, the first and only comment out of his mouth is that I was academically ineligible to compete at Nationals. That's it. The guy who claims to love all of his students doesn't care that I've failed my senior year. He cares about possibly having to give that stupid trophy back. Coach Sylvester's a little more sympathetic to my troubles but again I'm reminded that I'm looking at possibly forcing them to give back their national championship. Principal Figgins tells them both to be quiet about it and hope no one notices, so I tell them all that I'll be quiet about it if I get to stay on Cheerios and in Glee Club next year. Mr. Shue and Principal Figgins look shocked when I say that, but Coach Sylvester just looks proud of me and says I get to be Head Cheerio, which is pretty cool. Santana laughs her butt off when I tell the whole story to her.

It takes most of the summer, but I convince Santana that she has to go on without me. She can go to Louisville or she can go to New York, it's her choice, and I'll follow her wherever next year when I'm done with school. She doesn't like it, but she understands that it's important to me. She eventually decides to give Louisville a try since I worked so hard to get her in there, plus it's closer to Lima than New York, so we can visit more often. Both of those reasons make me happy, so does the one that she doesn't say where she's secretly a big nerd who likes to learn things so college is something she'll enjoy.

I keep a huge smile plastered on my face as she leaves because if I don't then she won't go. When she's gone I suddenly feel incomplete. I call her before her train has even gotten out of Ohio and try not to sob into the phone, but that only goes so well… for her too.

She calls me every night that week and we fall asleep together. The next week her dorm mate, Shawna moves in and she seems nice enough and she's cool living with a gay girl which I was sorta worried about. It's also freshman orientation and I make Santana promise me that she'll be as involved as possible because I want her to experience everything. I make her promise not to blow something off just because she would have called it nerdy last year because it's college, everyone's at least a little bit nerdy. We still Skype every night and she tells me all about it and it all sounds really awesome and I wish I was there.

That weekend cheerleading practice starts and since her scholarship is based on that she really has to dedicate a lot of her time to it, which means less time for Skyping. Luckily Coach Sylvester is the most insane coach in the world so Santana's a stand out. I'm proud of her but I also miss her.

School starts back for me and now I hate everything that I used to do with Santana, which is basically everything. I hate classes and lunch, I hate Cheerios, I hate Breadstix… everything. All of it is just something that's keeping me from talking to Santana. I even hate Glee Club. I've never hated Glee Club, but Santana's gone, Mercedes is gone, Quinn's gone, Mike's gone, Tina turned herself into Rachel Berry, Blaine's hair helmet looks even more ridiculous than it did last year.

Nobody understands me.

I sometimes feel like I speak a different language than everyone else. Like I use all the same words but they have different meanings to me. Like Glee Club, glee is supposed to mean happy, so why does going to Glee Club make me so sad all the time? Does that change the meaning of the word glee? In my head, in my weird brain, it kinda does.

A couple of days into my classes, I remember why I failed all of them last year. I don't understand any of this stuff any better the second time around and no one cares enough to try to teach it to me in a way I'll understand. Santana got me. She knew how my brain worked and she could help with my homework. She would have last year but I didn't want to bother her when she was going through so much.

I seem to have lost the ability to ask for help… or maybe just the desire to.

My head starts getting confused when all these new people show up at school, there's a new Rachel named Marley, a new Quinn named Kitty (except not the cool, interesting Quinn from the last couple of years, Scary Quinn from Freshman year), a new Puck named Jake (except he really is a Puck because he's Puck's little brother, only he's black, but I totally know you can't ask someone why they're black)… there's even a new Mercedes named Unique.

A thousand people try out for Glee Club and we need four people to have a full squad, so of course Mr. Shue only lets one person on the team. I'm so done with him.

By the second week of school, I'm officially flailing. Coach kicks me off the Cheerios because I can't do my Algebra test. So Glee Club thinks they should sing Britney to me to fix me. Because singing has always fixed our problems in the past.

Eventually, I've had enough and I quit the club. I'm ready to be done. I'm just going to drop out and get my GED. I can't do high school math or science, so I'm never gonna be a veterinarian. I'll never get into college so I won't get to be a journalist. Professional Motocross was probably ridiculous anyway. It's all fine. I'll teach dance while I try to write children's books on the side or something. I can do that anywhere so that means I can be with Santana… now, not in a year. What's the point? Why stay here when no one understands me or even care enough to try.

I find a note in my locker, except it's a map with a line that tells me where I'm supposed to meet somebody. It doesn't say who.

I follow the maps because it kinda seems like maybe it's a treasure map and I'll find gold at the X on the map. Instead I find Sam sitting, waiting on me. I thank him for the map and he says he understands what it's like when people steal your compass, and he says it in such a way that I know what he means. He means it like I meant. I've lost my way and I'm struggling to find where I'm supposed to go now.

He understands.

He gets it.

Santana would have gotten it sooner but then she's known me longer. She speaks Brittany, fluently. He doesn't quite speak Brittany, but he listens when I talk and pays attention.

We sit in the auditorium for a long time and we talk. I talk about missing Santana and he talks about missing Mercedes, and I think he's got it worse there because he and Mercedes are officially broken up and he doesn't know if he'll ever see her again now that she's in LA. We talk about music and he tells me that country music helps with being sad. He tells me about country bands that he thinks I might like and I promise to look them up while waiting for Santana to call me.

He's the first person besides Santana and Quinn to ask me what I like outside of dancing and that makes me smile really big. I tell him about how much I love animals and I how I sometimes volunteer at an animal rescue. Mostly I walk dogs, I tell him, sometimes I get to give them baths. He tells me to give him a call next time I'm going and he'll come with. I tell him about Motocross and although he doesn't say it, I know at first he thinks I'm kidding. I tell him I'm not and he asks me about it and I tell him that I love it because it's the closest I've ever come to being able to fly. He says that's really cool and promises to come to all of my meets from now on. I tell him he doesn't have to but he promises anyway.

I ask him about his family and he tells me how much he misses them and about how weird it is to live in Finn and Kurt's house now that they've both moved out. He tells me that he struggles with his grades too, because he's dyslexic. He tells me that Tina and Artie help him with his work and that they'd probably help me too if I asked. He talks about the pressure he feels being back on the football team this year. He's at Running Back now instead of Quarterback, mostly because he wasn't sure he could handle the responsibility now that The Titans are two time State Champions. The Cheerios have seven National Championships in eight years and for a week I was Head Cheerio so I certainly understand that.

The janitor eventually shoos us out so he can lock up and I invite Sammy over for dinner at my house which he accepts. We get there and he flinches when I tell him that it's Pizza Night, but I tell him that we'll go for a run later to work it off which he's totally down for. When he finally leaves for the night, I leave him with a huge hug and tell him that I think it's time I start staging my comeback.

Sam's not Santana and he's never going to replace Santana. He'll never get me like she does. He doesn't speak Brittany, but he does speak Sam, which isn't really the same language but it's close enough that we get each other… and I think that may be good enough to get me by for a while.


End file.
